This year has taught me a lot.. There has been both happy, dull and some extremely sad moments.. 

 

Twenty twelve brought me tons of parties (wedding, engagement, birthdays), graduation (aka. studenten, woop woop), Dubai, hijab (head scarf, I shouldn't necissarily call it hijab since hijab is the overall "look" - oh I will write about that in another post), uni, new friends, loss and with that grieve, and just overall difficulties. 

 

I put together some pictures throughout the year.

 

Merry Christmas lovelies! I wish you all a wonderful holiday with your beloved ones ♥

 

Here comes tons and tons of pictures on the christmas dinner (aka. julbord in Swedish for all you non Swedish residents).

 

You know what I came up with?

It's OK to keep missing him.

It's OK to never stop hurting.

But it's not OK to keep glancing back. You should move on, and look back with a smile on your lips and a happy glow in your eyes. That's what I know he would want me to do.

 

I truly thought that being happy would make me a horrible person.. How can I possibly be happy, laugh and keep moving on with my life while he's lying underground, buried deep down far far away? How can I go out with a smile on my lips while I'm burning inside; wanting to scream out loud?

 

I then realized that all my actions - cold behavior towards the people I love, that has been supporting me and helping me through this - and thoughts were a complete opposite to what he was. To what he believed in.

So how could I be missing him, but forgetting or refusing to see what he was; what he is?

He made us all happy and he still does.. And that's what I'm going to remember and live by..

Yes, I'm still hurting. I'm still missing him. I keep forgetting that he isn't here to visit whenever I want.. But that doesn't mean that he wants to see me dressed in black from top to toe, with a sad grin on my face. And he really disliked black.. So wouldn't I be a hypocrite to miss someone and show it in ways he wouldn't approve of?

 

Since my grandfather passed away, I've kept in too many emotions and felt like a volcano that was about to explode - but never exploded.. It all felt very unreal - still feels very unreal, as if it never happened..

 

He got buried today, which is the same day you should pray and "send the blessings of the prayer" to him (this goes to everyone that has passed away).. I just finished praying and when I said his name, for sending the blessings of the prayer to him, something inside of me let everything explode..

 

I still can't believe that he's gone.. Even though some people keep telling me that "he was too old anyways", I still miss him.. Yes, he has lived 90 wonderful years, but does that make it easier for us when we lose a happy and inspiring person like him? No. (or as my uncle says; he was - and still is - a symbol for human rights..)

 

To some of you, this might sound odd.. That I write about how much I miss him in these recent posts.. But when you used to visit your grandfather every single day, or at least once a week - you will understand this easier.

 

Something funny happened today.. I actually caught myself humming, to a song he used to sing to us, today and almost sang it out loud! LOL to that, right? It is, and I'm half-quoting my sister, true that he still makes us laugh - even though he's gone. 

 

So I just want to say this; I will keep singing ay darafsh (a song in farsi - and it's so old that Iranian people themselves don't know it anymore..) for you, my beautiful grandfather. 

You will always have your name, engraved into my heart, and an image of you in my brain.

 

Love you, always and forever ♥

 

With tears running down her cheeks, she came to tell me about the horrific news - that we all waited for in fear. He took his last breath and left this world with an angel-like glow on his beautiful face.

 

I refused to listen, and went back to sleep, but woke up an hour later to get ready to leave..

When I was walking through the door of my room, she stopped me to tell me the tragedy again. And this time I listened and after processing it, broke down in tears.

 

Who will, who will, who will..

 

I miss him. And will probably never stop missing him..

But one thing I've realized is that he will be with us - he still is with us. And I can't and will most certainly not get used to using past tense when reffering to him.

 

"I'm sorry for your loss", they say.. What loss? He isn't gone! 

But slowly you have to start realizing the truth.. His body is gone, but his pure and good soul is in a better place.

 

When losing people like him, from his generation, you will know what loss is.. Why? Because we're lucky if we become half as good, third as pure as them. Being loved by every single person is evidence to what he is, to what he was.

 

 

Or maybe not so dramatic.

I have, as I have told you guys, been absent from the blog for a couple days. I may or may not tell you guys the reason for my abcence because of it being extremely personal, and something I don't find fair or nice of me to share.

 

With this being said I just wanted to write a quick post because of you guys. You've been extremely sweet to click on my blog with the knowledge of me not blogging for this period of time. This truly spread a smile to my not-so-very happy face.

 

Take care of yourselves and your loved ones ♥

xx

/L